


From the Dark

by CatherWren23



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 10:42:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16993527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatherWren23/pseuds/CatherWren23
Summary: Baz and Simon talk about the night Simon found him in the catacombs during their fifth year. It does heavily imply suicide, and that might trigger some people.





	From the Dark

“Hey, Baz. What's the closest we've ever come to dying?"

It was an innocent enough thought, considering who it was coming from. Simon had a habit of just coming up with the weirdest questions from time to time, usually after random, drawn out bouts of silence when he got too deep into his own head. They were sitting on the couch in Simon's shared flat with Penny, who was currently visiting Micah and his family in America. Baz was knee-deep in holiday break homework, scouring one of his textbooks for references to the answer of a particularly difficult advanced calculus question, and Simon was curled up with his laptop open to some mind-numbing online video game. 

They had been sitting there in silence for a good, long while, Baz leaning his back against the arm of the couch and Simon nestled between the bends in his knees. His legs were draped over Baz's left one, and his wings were resting in a puddle of rough skin and scales on his right. Every now and then, when the game got intense, Baz could feel the other boy's tail twitch against his socked feet in irritation and excitement. The electric fireplace they used as a TV stand and heater and the cheap, fake Christmas tree they had tackily over-decorated in the corner giving off the only light in the room.  
"I was trying to figure out if the Chimera was worse than the night we defeated the Humdrum or not. But there's also that time you lit an entire forest on fire, so..."

Baz looked across to Simon, who was still staring at his screen and clicking away at the keyboard, meaning he was just mulling all his past fights over in his head, something he also got in the habit of doing since losing his magic. He once told Baz it made him feel better to remember a time when he was useful. Which in turn broke Baz's heart, because he couldn't remember a time when Simon hadn't been useful to him, especially in their fifth year. 

What would he think if Baz told him the truth? If he told him the story of how close he had actually come to death that year? And not at the hand of some witch, wizard or beast, but something far more terrible? Baz hated remembering that year at all, and he hadn't in ages. He had found Simon, the real Simon, and he had shown him his real self, too. He had been given acceptance and kindness and love from places and people he'd never expected to have found it, so why ruminate on the bad? Does Simon need to know about this part of his life, or could they carry on without it, like it didn't even happen? 

"Baz? What's wrong?" He must have been spacing out, because he looked up to see Simon putting his laptop down on the coffee table mid-game, and turning to look him straight on with concern set in his brow. His wings dragged across Baz's calf and his tail curled up over his shoulder like it always did when he was worried about something. "You're doing the thing with your mouth again where it makes you look like Eeyore."  
Baz rolled his eyes and sneered. "Frowning, Snow. It's called frowning.", he said, attempting to readjust himself to a more comfortable sitting position now that he wasn't supporting Simon with his body. His textbook slid off his lap and landed on the floor, slamming shut in the process. He rolled his eyes again and sighed, bending over forward to pick it up. When he sat back, the look on Simon's face had him instantly regretting snapping at him. He'd gotten better about it lately, but seven years of defense mechanisms for keeping people out were hard to forget. 

Baz opened his mouth to say something, but Simon beat him to the punch. "Please don't call me that", Simon whispered, pulling his knees up under his chin. His wings unconsciously followed suit, squishing down flat to his back, and his tail wrapped around his shins tightly. "You don't call me that anymore, Baz." 

"Great Morgana, Simon, love. I'm so sorry." Baz leaned forward on his knees and reached his hand across to cup Simon's face, rubbing his thumb back and forth on the highest point on those beautiful, freckle-peppered cheekbones. "I guess I got too deep in my head thinking about the answer to your question. You're my everything, Simon."

"And you're my magic", Simon responded, staring Baz in the eyes and nestling his cheek into his touch. "I didn't mean to upset you, it was just one of my dumb spur-of-the-moment thoughts."

"You didn't, really", Baz said, sitting back and moving his hand from Simon's face to interlock their fingers instead. "I just hadn't thought about that part of my life in so long. Everything is so much better now. I haven't had a reason to dwell on it."

"Yeah, life is certainly a lot more enjoyable without having a monster threatening your life every six months or so. I just thought it was ironic that aside from the numpty incident, we were always in danger together even before we were, well... Together."

"Yeah, my world has always had a funny way of revolving around the great Simon Snow", Baz smirked and kissed the other boy's knuckles. "But to be honest, you weren't anywhere near any danger the day I came closest to dying."

Simon reeled back, a horrified look on his face. "What in Merlin's bloody name did those numpties do to you?!"

Baz chuckled to himself bitterly. He'd still like to go back and stop Fiona from killing those stone-faced assholes just so he could personally punt them to the surface of the sun. "The numpties just kept me locked up. They hurt me, but they didn't necessarily mean to. You and I were together the day I'm thinking of, but it's unimportant." Baz tried to leave it at that, but Simon cocked his head to the side in the questioning way he has, which meant he wasn't going to be willing to let it go.

So, the story had to be told now. Baz let go of Simon's hand and looked away, not able to keep eye contact with him any longer. "Do you remember the day you cornered me down in the catacombs during our fifth year?" He felt Simon lean up and nod his head. 

"Yeah, you were down there draining rats and a flask of gin, if I'm remembering correctly."

"Yes, well. The rats were to keep from biting you. I knew you were trailing me, and I didn't trust myself to not try something subconsciously. The gin, well... That was for courage."

"Courage? Baz, what are you-"

Baz gently held up a hand to stop Simon mid-sentence, still not quite able to look him in the face. "You have to understand, Simon. My life was a wreck. I was trying to live with the fact that I am what I thought then was just a monster. The very thing my own mother gave her life trying to defeat. I kept thinking 'If she had made it through the attack but I was still bitten, would she have allowed me to exist?' The only two people in the world who knew what I really was were my Father and Fiona, and they were either so in denial that they didn't speak of it at all, or only interested in the parts that we could use to hurt... You." 

Baz heard Simon take a small breath in, felt the couch shift under his weight as he sat up. He turned his face further away, trying to hide what was sure to be the response from the prickling he was starting to feel in his eyes. "That was the year I started to understand my feelings for you, Simon. How was I supposed to hurt you, when I couldn't imagine my life without you? Even though we only truly interacted through bickering, I couldn't lose you. You were the most amazing, most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on, and I was supposed to hate you. To try to kill you, even. And what's worse is the fact that you actually did hate me." Baz blinked and felt the first tear fall down his face. He sniffled and went to wipe his eyes, but Simon caught his wrist, made him turn around on the couch. He climbed into his lap and wrapped his arms around Baz's middle, cuddling his face into his chest. 

"I don't think I hated you", came Simon's response from somewhere under Baz's chin. “The Mage was the only thing giving my life direction, and I was supposed to think the worst of you, but I don't think I ever really did."

"I know, love. It's the same with me."

"I'm... I'm sorry, Baz." Simon curled in on himself again in Baz's lap. As he rubbed his hands on his back between his wings, he could feel his body start to tremble. "I never even thought of you getting to that point, and I was always such a prat-"

"Shh, no. I was just as horrific to you. We aren't those people anymore. You and I, we make our own decisions now. We're here for each other, not against" He threaded their fingers together, still rubbing circles into his back with the other hand.  
After a few minutes of calming down in silence thinking about what they had been discussing, Simon squeaked out "What were you planning to do?", in a tiny, hushed voice. 

"It's not important, love. I don't feel that way anymore, and I haven't in a long time."

"No, Baz. I just- I need to know."

Baz tightened his grip on Simon's hand and leaned his cheek against the top of his head to steel himself. He took a deep, shaky breath in and closed his eyes. "I tried to starve myself out, but I never could make it very long. I was only fifteen, plus this isn't really something I can ignore on purpose. I tried using magic to light myself up like a match, but all that ever did was put a few scorch marks on the catacomb walls and terrify me. I was trying to think of a way that I could drive a stake through my own heart when I started to notice you trailing me."

"Some part of my brain clicked, about a week before the night you confronted me. I thought if I was too weak to end myself, maybe I could get you to do it for me. Just like how everyone thought it was supposed to happen." Baz could feel that Simon had stopped moving and breathing altogether, holding his breath while he listened. "But even after you told me that you knew what I was, you still showed me mercy. Simon Snow, the greatest mage to ever live and the slayer of monsters, knew who I truly was and still thought I was worthy of a place in this world." He turned his head and placed a kiss wet with tears down into Simon's beautiful bronze curls. 

"I came back to the room later that night, and you were fast asleep. I stood there, slightly intoxicated, and thought of how beautiful and alive and good you were." He let go of his hand so he could place it, instead, over the other boy's beating heart. The other hand came to gently rest a knuckle under his chin and turn Simon's tear-streaked face up to look him in the eyes. "You saved me that night, Simon. You saved me then and you've been saving me ever since", Baz let out a puff of laughter. "I thought to myself 'Well, then. If he wants to keep me alive, I'll stay as alive as I can be until he gets his fill of annoyance and does me in once and for all.' Which, to be perfectly honest, I think is still a distinct possibility." Simon scrunched up his face questioningly, and Baz chuckled, reaching behind him to grab the tip of one of his wings loosely in his fingers. "One of these nights when I stay here, you're going to flop over in your sleep and knock me senseless with these red, flappy battering rams attached to your shoulder blades."

Simon immediately shot up in his seat, stretching his spine out ramrod straight. The look he shot Baz with, paired with the stuttering "You! You know I can't control what they do!" that he muttered crossly had Baz launching into a laughing fit, which in turn made Simon start to giggle. Once they calmed down, the two boys sat across from each other once more, holding hands. Baz stared once more into the bluest eyes he had ever seen, and felt so much love for his boyfriend in that moment that he surely thought his heart would swell to bursting. Just as he was considering planting a peck on his hands, Simon leaned up and connected their lips. Great snakes, this boy had a habit of beating him to the punch with kisses! When they pulled back, Baz cupped both hands around the other's cheeks and swiped away the drying tears with his thumbs. 

"I love you, Simon. Thank you for saving me, constantly."

"I love you too, Baz."

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually the first thing I've ever written and I could never have had the balls to post it without my friend Kira <3  
> She's amazing, and if these words are half as good as she said they were, then I'll be in business.  
> Thank you!


End file.
